On My Own
by phoebe9509
Summary: She never wanted it to come to this, but she couldn't breathe here anymore.


On My Own

It's been two whole days since Emily and Hotch had their 'date'. The date which she told him she'd be leaving the team. Leaving the state. Leaving the country. Leaving him. Emily couldn't get the look of shock and disappointment out of her head. She never wanted it to come to this, but she couldn't breathe here anymore. She wished she could say it was all about Doyle and the secrets she kept but she knew better. As she stared at the man before her and watched his facial expressions change, before schooling his features, she knew the main reason for leaving.

Him. In the end, it was always about him. The way he looked at her. The way he lied to everyone to protect her. Everything. The hardest part, and the final straw that's pushing her to go to London is Beth. The woman who came out of no where and who happened to have some of her features swooped in and changed everything. How could she fight for a man when he had someone already? Someone who wasn't her.

Emily always wondered if she just imagined everything with Hotch. Were there ever signs or did she just want to see something that wasn't there? In the end, Emily figured she'd never know the truth and that was something she'd have to live with.

Emily let her family know her plans to leave and no one seemed happy for her. No one could blame them, especially her. They just got her back and she was already leaving again, Reid informed her in a disappointed tone. All she wanted to do was share why she was really leaving, but that wouldn't be fair to anyone. So all Emily could do as promise to visit and write and always keep in touch. No one looked impressed.

The plans to leave were made quickly. After the 'dance' at JJ and Wills' wedding, Emily knew she had to leave quickly before she made a fool out of herself. After spending time with everyone on the team, there was one more person Emily wanted to say goodbye to.

"Hey Hotch," Emily called out as she trailed the man in the parking garage.

Hotch turned to Emily with a smile on his face. "What's up, Prentiss?" He asked as he stopped to wait for her to catch up.

Emily nervously began to play with her nails. "Since I'm leaving Saturday night, I was wondering if I could spend some time with Jack before I go. I don't want to just disappear on him this time."

Hotch placed a hand on Emily's shoulder and gently squeezed. "He would love that," he informed her. "It's perfect actually, because I have plans Friday night, so if you wanted to come over and just watch him at my place, that'd be great."

"That would be great," Emily agreed. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow, sir." Emily began to walk away before his deep voice halted her actions.

"I think you can stop calling me sir now, Prentiss."

Emily blushed lightly. She didn't even realize she said it. "Only if you stop calling me Prentiss," she countered, which earned a chuckle to pass through his lips.

"Touche. See you tomorrow..._Emily._"

As she watched him walk to his car, Emily had to remember to breathe. Only two more days, she thought sadly, then she wouldn't have to go through this anymore. She'd be thousands of miles away and her feelings would disappear eventually. It won't be so hard, with me so far away, she told herself. Part of her believed her own words, but a larger part knew she was only kidding herself.

Friday night quickly rolled around and even though she knew Hotch had plans, and her main reason was to spend time with Jack, she still dressed nice. Emily took several deep breaths as she waited for Hotch to open the door. The feeling of hurt that ran through her body as Beth opened the door was overwhelming. Although she tried to get them not to, tears rushed to her eyes. She should have known his plans were with her.

"Hey Emily," Beth greeted in a chipper tone. "Come on in. Jack's been waiting."

Emily walked in and a smile graced her face as Jack ran towards her for a giant hug.

"Emmy!" He cried as he wrapped his small arms around her legs.

"Hey baby," she greeted as she bent down to pick the boy up in her arms. "I've missed you!"

"Not as much as I've missed _you_," Jack told her before Emily tickled his sides, causing the young boy to giggle and yell for his fathers help.

Hotch entered the room and stopped to take in the scene before him. Jack looked happy. So did Emily. Lately it seemed like both weren't happy with much, but they needed each other.

"You look nice Emily," Hotch commented.

Emily found herself blushing again from his words. "Oh thanks, I wanted to look nice for my favorite Hotchner."

Jack and Hotch looked at each other before they both said, "She's talking about me!" Then the duo laughed.

Hotch ran a hand through his sons hair, then looked at Emily. "We're going to dinner and a movie, so we'll be home late. Is that okay?"

Again Emily couldn't stop the tears from going to her eyes. "That's fine," she mumbled as she started to walk away with Jack before Hotch grabbed a hold of her arm in his hand.

"What's wrong?" he asked quietly, as he took in her glassy eyes and her dropped shoulders. She was laughing not five minutes ago.

"Nothing," she said as she turned away. "Have fun."

All Hotch could do was watch her walk into Jacks room and close the door. He had no idea what happened. If he was being honest, it worried him. Before he could go ask her again, Beth interrupted his thoughts and rushed him out of the house.

In Jacks bedroom, Emily knew he was going to ask her what he probably heard his dad talking about. "Why are you leaving?" Jack asked as they played with cars on the floor.

"I just need a change," she answered honestly. "I need to get away."

"Don't you like it here anymore?"

"I do, but there are some things I need to get away from."

"Don't you like _me _anymore?"

Emily hadn't been expecting that question. "Of course I do. You're my favorite and if I could I would stay with you forever, but I can't honey. When you get older, you'll hopefully understand."

"I'm going to miss you, Emmy," Jack cried out as he climbed in her lap and hugged her tight.

"Not as much as I'm going to miss you." Emily held on tight to the young boy as she ran her hand through his hair. "You were always my favorite," she told him again and hoped he'd believe that and remember it always.

After Jack calmed down, they popped in a movie and cuddled together on Jacks bed. Once the credits rolled, Emily turned the tv off and snuggled closer to the young boy. She watched as Jack fought to keep his eyes open.

Emily let out a small chuckle. "If you're tired, you should sleep baby."

"I don't want to miss time with you," he told her quietly.

"I'll be here when you wake up."

"Promise?"

"Promise," she ran a hand gently over his face.

"Good. Can you sing me a song?"

"Huh?" Emily asked in surprise.

"Sing me a song. My mommy used to sing to me."

Emily couldn't say no once she heard that. "What do you want me to sing? Twinkle twinkle little star?"

"No," Jack laughed as he moved closer. "Sing me a song that reminds you of my daddy."

Emily's mouth dropped open. "I don't know if-"

"Please," he interrupted.

"Ok," she relented, then thought for a minute before she thought of the perfect song that reminded her of Hotch. She just hoped Jack wouldn't realize what she was singing. "Here we go..."

_On my own, pretending he's beside me,_

_all alone, I walk with him till morning._

_Without him, I feel his arms around me,_

_and when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me._

_In the rain, the pavement shines like silver,_

_all the lights are misty in the river._

_In the darkness the trees are full of starlight_

_and all I can see is him and me forever and ever._

_And I know, it's only in my mind,_

_that I'm talking to myself and not to him._

_And although I know that he is blind,_

_still I say, there's a way for us._

_I love him, but when the night is over,_

_he is gone, the rivers just a river._

_Without him, the world around me changes_

_the trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers._

_I love him, but everyday I'm learning,_

_All my life I've only been pretending._

_Without me, his world will go on turning,_

_a world that's full of happiness that I have never known._

Emily paused and pulled Jack closer to her. Her voice was cracking and she didn't want him to see the tears that were going to escape her eyes.

_I love him._

_I love him._

_I love him...but only on my own._

Emily took a shaky deep breath as she leaned farther down into the bed.

"Don't worry Emmy," Jack said with a yawn as he snuggled closer, "I love him too."

Emily couldn't help but let out a small chuckle. "Glad I'm not the only one," she whispered as she placed a gentle kiss on the top of his head as she wrapped the covers, that smelled like the man she just sang about, around the pair and they soon drifted off to sleep.

The sound of something dropping from the living room woke Emily with a start. She looked down at the young boy in her arms and made sure the noise didn't disturb him before she slipped out of bed to go investigate. Emily saw a small baseball bat near Jacks closet and grabbed a hold of it as she tiptoed into the hallway.

The light in the kitchen was on and she couldn't remember if she had left it that way. As she creeped closer she saw a shadow and a small part of her started to panic. Emily held the bat up high as she looked around the corner and let out a loud sigh of relief as she saw Hotch standing at the refrigerator with his back to her.

"Are you trying to give me a heartattack?" Emily asked from the kitchen doorway.

Hotch jumped and turned to look at the brunette. "I didn't mean to wake you. I was-wait, why are you holding a bat?"

"I thought there was an intruder in the house."

A smile creeped onto Hotch's face, "Always a protector," he praised.

"Why didn't you tell me you were back?"

Hotch turned his gaze back to the fridge and seemed determined to find something, "You were asleep and I didn't want to wake you. Besides, I wanted to give you as much time with Jack as I could."

Emily stepped into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, and against her better judgement, silently watched Hotch as he kept searching. "That was nice of you. Thank you. How long have you been home?"

Hotch made sure to stand up and look into her eyes as he answered her quietly, "A couple hours."

Emily arched an eyebrow. "A couple hours? I've only been asleep for a couple hours."

"I know."

The more Hotch talked, the more confused Emily was becoming. Maybe it was the sleep that was throwing her off a little. "How would you know how long I've been asleep?"

Hotch never broke eye contact and he knew she was either going to freak out or play it cool. "I know because I was here before you fell asleep."

He watched as it took a few minutes for the words to sink in. As they did, her eyes grew three times their size, and she took a step towards the door. Freak out was obviously the way she was going to go.

"Why were you home so early?" Emily almost yelled.

"Because the night didn't go as planned," he answered honestly.

For the first time since Emily woke up, she took a look around the apartment and she realized something, "Where's Beth?"

"At home."

"Why?" Emily didn't have time to beat around the bush. Inside she was having a full fledged panic attack and his short answers were not helping her relax at all.

"We had an argument, and I dropped her off there."

"What did you fight about?" Emily wasn't concerned about overstepping her boundaries considering this conversation was going to take a horrible turn.

"You."

Emily staggered back at his word. "Me?" She shook her head slowly. "Why would you argue about me?"

Hotch leaned back against the counter across from her. "Because I was worried about you when I left and I stayed worried most of dinner. She asked me what was wrong and I told her and I guess she didn't like the answer."

Emily stood there speechless. Why would Beth be upset that Hotch was worried about her? It's not like he felt anything for her. Beth didn't know how she felt about Hotch, so none of it made sense.

"But enough of that, I have a question for you." Hotch broke through her thought process. As she slowly looked up at him, knowing full well what the question would be, in her mind she was planning her escape. "I came just in time to hear you sing a song to Jack and it was beautiful and heartbreaking all at once, because I could hear the emotion behind it. So my question to you is, why didn't you ever tell me?"

Emily shook her head. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Jack asked me to sing him a song, that's it."

"No," Hotch stated as he pushed himself away from the counter and took a step closer to Emily, "he asked you to sing him a song that reminded you of _me_."

As much as Emily wanted to keep her cool, she knew it wasn't going to happen. She was leaving tomorrow and she wanted to leave without having this conversation. This wasn't supposed to happen. Her secret wasn't supposed to come out. It was meant to go to London with her and as she thought about it, tears came to her eyes. She was so tired of hiding parts of her life. The one thing she's wanted in life was standing before her and she couldn't, no she wouldn't, tell him what he wanted to hear. She would run before that would happen.

"Did he? I didn't hear him say that," she lied unsuccessfully as she watched Hotch give her a disbelieving look. He took another step closer and Emily decided now was her time to bolt. "Well I'm going to get going. I have a busy day tomorrow." Emily quickly walked out of the kitchen and went to grab her keys and her coat.

When Emily turned towards the door, Hotch stood there with his arms crossed with a disappointed look on his face. "Why do you always insist on running?" he asked her quietly.

Emily was going to break soon, she knew it, she felt it coming. The tears were still lingering in her eyes and the more she thought about the situation, even more came. "I'm not running," she lied again. "I'm tired and I just want to go home. Thank you for letting me spend time with Jack, I really do appreciate it. I'm going to miss him."

"You don't have to miss him, Emily. You can stay. No one is making you go."

Both agents stood still as they stared at each other. Emily was the first to break eye contact. Before she could stop it, her wall broke and tears started streaking her face. As Hotch saw this, he quickly moved towards her, but Emily backed away before he reached her.

"Don't," she whispered.

Hotch stopped in his tracks and looked at her with a sad expression on his face, like she just kicked his puppy. "Emily-"

"Please, stop," Emily cried softly. "I can't have this conversation. Nothing will come of it. Nothing will change and I don't expect it to. I'm sorry you heard the song, and I'm sorry if you feel like you have to comment on it, but you don't. It's not big deal." She took a chance and looked him in the eyes and her heart hurt as she saw the worried look in his eyes. Emily quickly brushed her tears away and stood up straight. "It's been a long week and I need to finish things at home before my flight tomorrow. So if you'll excuse me," Emily walked by Hotch quickly, "I'll see you at the airport tomorrow," she said as she grabbed the door knob before Hotch grabbed her arm and turned her around and engulfed her smaller body in his strong arms.

Emily fought against him for a second but gave in and hugged him back. "I just want you to talk to me," Hotch whispered against her ear. "Tell me. Whatever I need to do to get you to stay I will. I'll do anything Emily." Hotch leaned back slightly to brush her hair behind her ear. His thumb slowly got rid of any left over tears and Emily couldn't help but lean into his touch. "I don't want to lose you. Not again."

Emily gazed up into his eyes and her heart skipped a beat. How did he expect her to talk to him when he was so close? When she was leaving in a few hours? When he had a girlfriend? Emily didn't know that her heart could break anymore than it already had when she first announced she was leaving, but she was wrong.

Hotch saw Emily hesitating and he knew now was his chance. It might even be his last shot. He had to leap. Hotch lifted Emily's chin and slowly started to descend but just as their lips were about to connect, Emily pulled back with a sob and pushed him away.

"No!" she barked. "What are you doing? What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking about getting you to stay here!"

"You have a girlfriend Hotch! One that you love. I've heard you talking to Dave. I don't want a pity kiss because you're trying to get me to stay here. What will that solve?" Emily took a deep breath. She had to say the next part because it had to be said. "You wanted to know why I always run away? This time I'm running away because of you."

Hotch took a step back and couldn't mask the sad look on his face. "Me?"

"I've loved you for years Hotch. _Years!_ And you only noticed because you heard the song. I would have gone to London and you would have never known. For being a profiler, you sure miss a lot. I don't know how you never saw the way I looked at you. The want and desire that flashed through my eyes every time you looked at me. You have been all I wanted for so long, and for a while I thought maybe there was a chance, but then Beth came into the picture. After that, I knew I didn't stand a chance. I'm surprised I lasted this long actually."

Emily threw her hands in the air, her sadness was starting to turn to rage. "I was in front of you for years and you never made a move. You went elsewhere and I have to accept that. But I can't accept that when I work with you. When I have to see you every single day and know that I can't have you. That someone else does. I can't do it. I won't do it. So that's why I'm leaving because I can't take it anymore. I don't deserve to watch the man I love, love someone else. It hurts too much. So I'm going to leave and you're not going to stop me, because it's too late and I realize that now. I need this Hotch. I can't be around you." A flash of hurt crossed his face. "I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I'm just trying to be honest."

Her hand wrapped around the door knob. She had to get out of there, she felt like she was suffocating. "After tonight, I'll understand if you don't come to the airport. I won't hold it against you."

As she opened the door, his soft words halted her actions. "I'm so sorry, Emily. I'm sorry I didn't see it, and I'm sorry I caused you pain all these years and didn't even realize it. Nothing would keep me from safely seeing you off tomorrow night. Emily," he waited until she turned her head to look at him. "I know it's not a good time, or even right at all, but I just need you to know. I do love you." A small gasp escaped her lips and he cursed himself as he watched the tears return. "I just didn't want you to get on that plane without knowing. I'm sorry I never told you before now.

Emily closed her eyes and felt a few more tears sneak by. All she could do was nod her head slowly. "Good night Hotch, I'll see you tomorrow," she whispered as she walked about of the apartment and quickly got into her car and cried for what felt like hours.

Why did he have to make it harder on her? Was he only saying those things because he thought it would get her to stay or did he really mean it? She needed to get out of here. Away from him and the hurt that seemed to invade her life whenever she thought about him. She deserved someone to love her unconditionally and to tell her at any given moment. As much as it hurt and as much as her heart was shattered into a million pieces, she realized Hotch wasn't that person. Not now anyway. Maybe not ever. That was just something Emily was going to have to live with.

_So what do you think? I know I've been MIA for quite a while, but I've been dealing with a few things. I hope you guys liked the story. If you have a minute, I'd love to hear what you thought. You can bash away if you'd like. _


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